The Hidden Diaries
by oceana
Summary: Consider this my Recap of the first season of Buffy. COMPLETE.
1. Buffy

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters. Joss Whedon and others do. How many creative ways can I say this? Apparently not many.

**A/N:** In my defense, Buffy does have a penchant for vampires on the show. So, uh, oh I'm bad.

**The Actual Diary of Buffy Summers**

**Day 1**

Got chosen to "lay vampires" today. Seems kind of strange, but old guy says I have to. Also got super-strength bonus! Very helpful as now have perfect figure and muscle tone with no annoying effort.

**Day 2**

Vampires are hot!

**Day 3**

Mirrors have taken on a whole new meaning.

**Day 4**

Installed full-length mirror over bed.

**Day 12**

Old guy died. Huh. Otherwise good day. Found the best shirt ever at the mall that just totally brings out the color in my face. Am so freaking sexy.

**Day 13**

Good news: met kinky vampire

Bad news: burned down school gym.

**Day 18**

Mom says we have to leave LA. Something about her and dad splitting up, I wasn't really listening. Great. Now I have like thirty vamp pen pals to keep in touch with.

**Day 24**

Met another old guy. This one British, so at least has excuse for being so stodgy. And, turns out I'm supposed to SLAY vampires! Oops! Plus side: no longer have to keep writing blasted letters. And makes whole "watching" thing less creepy.

**Day 25**

It's really hard to break old habits.

**Day 26**

Met super hot vampire. Calls himself "Angel", which is like, who are you trying to fool? Also met living people Willow and Xander. Maybe I should try hanging out with non-undead for a change? Though Xander keeps hitting on me. So tedious as he is obviously not my type.

**Day 27**

Have had to stage vamp fights so Giles will stop whining about how "there are more vampires here than before" and "Sunnydale's death rate keeps climbing". Is it my fault if my reputation got out? Well, maybe a little.

**Day 28**

Met vampire dominatrix. Likes to be called "Master" and is like, _impossible_ to get out of his dungeon. I asked what kind of skin cream he's using. He said aloe. Aloe my foot. No vampire should have those wrinkles.

**Day 29**

Girl's mom possessed her today. Makes me grateful own mom so dense she wouldn't notice if giant truck of bricks crashed through living room window. Come to think, she did notice that.

**Day 30**

Angel keeps wanting to talk about "his feelings". Annoying. But at least he doesn't have that creepy neck fetish most vamps have. Still seeing Master on side.

Later

Found out Xander's a virgin! Ha ha!

**Day 31**

Tried dating a living guy. So not worth it. He almost died during sex.

**Day 32**

Willow did it with demon she met online. Maybe internet dating not so bad.

**Day 33**

Xander into some freaky hyena action. Turns out, sex with living not bad if they have super-strength and bloodlust. Heart beat still an issue tho.

**Day 34**

Angel told me he was a vampire like it was a big deal. Beginning to suspect he's not that bright. Also complained about a bowl some gypsies had given him. Don't see big deal. Return the freaking bowl!

**Day 35**

Puppets are creepy. Even when fighting on behalf of humanity. Maybe especially then.

**Day 36**

Everyone kept having bad dreams and acting them out for me. Why? Good news: played out secret fantasy with Master.

**Day 37**

Did it with invisible demon. Turns out she was a girl and not a demon. Note to self: only date visible people. Still got tied up tho so good.

**Day 40**

Master got way too clingy. Major break-up fight. He drowned me, I threw him through a window and then he accidentally landed on a stick and died. Honestly. Men are such drama queens. Also, turns out vamps explode into dust when they die. Should I know this?


	2. LiamAngelusAngel

**Disclaimer:** Freaky how Joss Whedon stays the creator of all things "Buffy" no matter how much time passes.

**The Hidden Diary of Liam/Angelus/Angel **

**Day One**

Asked dad if we have a last name today. He wasn't sure either.

**Day Two**

Spent day looking in mirror. Decided am manly type with boyish charm and natural good looks. Go me!

**Day Three**

Spent day trying on different outfits in front of mirror. Cannot decide if I look better in light or dark colors.

**Day Four**

Dark. Definitely.

**Day Five**

Is difficult to find just right tassel for manly-yet-unconsciously-sexy shirt. Shopped all day, then spent evening comparing tassels in mirror. Other news: disowned by father.

Later

Got drunk with friend, passed out. Woke up inside own coffin and had to dig out of grave. Thinking maybe I should join AA group.

**Day Six**

Mirror will show boring wall. Will show stupid shelves. Will show ugly figurines. Will not show me. Think am sulking in attractive-man-way, but cannot tell because mirror will not show!

**Day Seven**

Held shirt far from body and shook it in front of mirror. Mirror would not show. Tried shaking pantaloons, tassels and hat. Mirror still would not show. Accidentally dropped hat. Suddenly appeared. Looked like magic! Tried dropping lots of objects in front of mirror. Fun! (though prefer if mirror would show me.) Oh, and slaughtered my family today.

**Day Eight**

Slaughtered home village. Way fun!Day 2,026

Made new friend Drusilla. Gave her excellent makeover. Kind of goth chic thing to go with her name. At first she didn't like it but totally owns it now.

**Day 2,080**

Dru brought home strange pet. Small man-like thing. Keeps reading me poems. Kind of adorable.

**Day 2,088**

Learned have been in committed relationship with small blonde woman for last 90 years. Spike read us poem for anniversary. Felt awkward.

**Day 3,500**

People killed: 3,892

Number who's family cursed me with a soul: 1.

Freaks.

**Day 3,501**

Neither massacred village nor enjoyed not massacring village.

**Day 3,550**

Hope have perfected brooding so look sensitive and deep without being whiny, yet cannot tell as mirrors still will not show.

**Day 3,560**

Discovered hair gel! Got haircut from underworld barber and learned how to perfectly apply gel so will look suave. This plus memory of looking good in dark colors means I am now sexy beyond the realms of gods. Mirrors still will not show, but stands to reason.

**Day 3,590**

Ran out of gel. Hair shaggy. Mirrors still won't show. Heavy brooding. Rats not bad with butter. Wish I had butter.

**Day 8,999**

Strange man in New York made me drive across country to meet small girl with superpowers who exists only to kill me. Why?

Later

Um…slayer uses different tactics than expected. Am quietly disturbed.

**Day 9,000**

Whistler got me haircut and lifetime subscription to "Hair Gel for Immortal Undead". Love love love love him. Stupid mirrors.

**Day 9,028**

Followed Buffy to new town. Realized am accidentally stalking her. Old habits. Bleaches hair. Kind of reminds me of Dana, I mean Donna, I mean…darn it, what was her name?

**Day 9,029**

Darla! And hey, she's here too. Small world.

**Day 9,030**

Buffy dressed up as cheerleader, tried to show me "pom pom trick". Cowered behind couch until she left. Maybe should not have told I was stalking her. Now won't leave me alone.

**Day 9,033**

Xander turned into hyena for party trick. Oddly impressive. Turned into dingo and ottoman too, but those were less thrilling.

**Day 9,034**

Buffy now stalking me. Very stressful. Will not leave me alone. Tried killing her, but think I got Darla instead. Oops.

**Day 9,036**

Met a knife-wielding puppet. Was not pleased.

**Day 9,040**

Old friend from dungeon days died today. Feel morose.


	3. Xander

**Disclaimer: **Joss Whedon is the creator and holder of all things "Buffy". I am not. Characters are referenced here with respect and appreciation. That said…

**The Hidden Diary of Xander Harris **

**Day One**

New girl in school today. Thought was nice until started attacking me with stick saying "Try and bite me! C'mon! Try and bite me!" Hid in locker. Also killed best friend. All in all bad day.

**Day Two**

Tried out for cheerleading today, but skirt so short felt awkward. Fortunately no one noticed as Buffy distracted them with "pom pom trick". Maybe she not so bad.

**Day Three**

Almost eaten by praying mantis for being virgin. Would not be so bad if Buffy hadn't posted pictures all over school. Would crawl under rock but afraid what bugs might do. Hate Buffy.

**Day Five**

Had lots of fun being hyena today. Others impressed, but then the drugs wore off.

**Day Six**

Turns out tall pale man with no pulse is vampire. Tried to act surprised as it seemed important secret to him. I said "If secret why have you been biting my neck all week?" Turns out I didn't want to know.

**Day Seven**

Willow maybe a little too much like Buffy. Note to self: avoid internet.

**Day Eight**

Ventriloquist dummies are not good creatures put here to do good. I don't care what anyone says.

**Day Nine**

I hate clowns too.

**Day Ten**

Girl showed me how to turn invisible by holding breath. When came to wallet and keys were gone. Stupid girl.

**Day Eleven**

Vampire died in library today. Buffy died too, but it didn't take.


	4. Willow

**Disclaimer: **Joss Whedon is the creator and holder of all things "Buffy". I am not. Characters are referenced here with respect and appreciation. That said…

**The Hidden Diary of Willow Rosenberg**

**Day One**

Made new friend with blonde toothpick. Then Xander killed Jesse. Feel anxious.

**Day Two**

Helped Xander try out for cheerleading squad. He thought skirt was too short until I showed him matching pumps. Tried to get him to do hair and make-up too, but he stopped after lip-gloss. Very disappointing. Now no color to bring out eyes. Men so sexy when they look and act exactly like women.

**Day Three**

Xander dated a bug. Maybe me not so weird.

**Day Four**

Buffy killed a boy on the first date after specifically being told not to. Remorseless bitch.

**Day Five**

Xander spent day changing into various forms of wildlife and furniture. Xander kind of strange, come to think of it.

**Day Six**

Creepy old guy who keeps hanging around us teens turned out to be vampire. Don't know how this makes it better, but others seem happy.

**Day Seven**

Tried internet dating. Scarred for life.

Later

Buffy very good friend during crisis. Keeps asking for details and which specific web sites to avoid. Told her definitely don't go to "I'm a FreakingDemon" web site and she immediately ran off to block it from her browser.

**Day Eight**

Met a puppet. Did not want to meet a puppet. Still upset I met a puppet.

**Day Nine**

Opera a total nightmare. I so messed up my aria.

**Day Ten**

Invisible girl kidnapped Buffy. Tried to rescue, but Buffy kept running back in and tying self up. Maybe it's a superhero thing.

**Day Eleven**

Vampire made big dramatic mess of a death scene for self in library. Shakespeare would be proud, but you know we'll be cleaning dust out of the bookshelves for months.


	5. Giles

**Disclaimer:** Joss Whedon is the creator and holder of all things "Buffy". I am not. Characters are referenced here with respect and appreciation. That said…

**A/N:** Sorry this took so long to post. I had some troubles getting logged in, etc. Look for more chapters this weekend. Fun and oh so very very wrong.

**The Hidden Diary of Rupert "Ripper" Giles**

**Day One**

Was sufficiently rebellious today with cigarette smoking. Also wore leather jacket. Overwhelmingly cool.

**Day Two **

Summoned chaos demon with friends. Am even cooler than originally thought.

**Day Three **

Chaos demon killed friends. Less cool.

**Day Four**

Went to Watcher's Academy per dad. Learn how to spy on teen-age girls. Suddenly understand appeal. Feel dirty, though cool.

**Day Ten**

Really hard to keep track of all these girls. Somehow we have to guess which ones of all the girls in the world could one day possibly develop super powers, and then find the one that actually does, and then she dies and we have to start all over. Barely cool.

**Day Forty**

Graduated Academy, became high school librarian. Just not remotely cool. Man, what happened to me?

**Day Forty-Three **

I got a Slayer! Called and bragged to all my Academy friends. Placed bets on how long I can make mine last. She makes it to summer and I get a new Porsche. Feeling tepid.

**Day Forty-Four**

Asked Buffy how many vampires she's slayed. Turns out she keeps a whole journal with pictures and notes about each one. Impressed. Most slayers aren't that organized. Though, can understand vampires being tied up in photos, but why are they naked?

**Day Forty-Five**

Continuing to watch per job description. Bit of a squick when I ran into her mom. Had to explain why I was outside Buffy's bedroom window at night taking notes without giving away slayer identity. Think I pulled it off okay. Am invited to dinner next week.

**Day Forty-Six**

Have now seen Buffy fight vampires five times, and they got away every time. Did I get a defective slayer? If so, should we kill her and start over? Am unclear how this works.

**Day Forty-Seven **

Saw Buffy do "pom pom trick". Beginning to suspect she's sadistic.

**Day Forty-Eight **

Praying mantis almost ate Xander. Bother. This is exactly the reason teen-agers should start having sex at a younger age.

**Day Forty-Nine**

Buffy went on date with boy. Don't know what happened, but know she didn't kill him as I specifically told her not to. Still can't find boy though.

**Day Fifty **

Xander turned into hyena. Suspect he's overcompensating for bug incident, the weak little twit. Still entertaining.

**Day Fifty-One **

Learned other old man who's been following Buffy is a vampire. Huge relief, as worried he was after my job. Asked Buffy why she didn't slay him. She said she's been trying, but he's wily. I wonder.

**Day Fifty-Two**

Willow dated a demon. Seriously, what's wrong with kids today?

**Day Fifty-Three **

Puppet showed up. Said, "I've devoted my life to saving the world," then Buffy stomped on its head. Go Buffy.

**Day Fifty-Four**

Thought Buffy was dead, then she came back as a vampire. Then turned out it was all about a kid in a coma. So confused.

**Day Fifty-Five**

Invisible girl showed up. Ask me how that one works.

**Day Fifty-Six**

Dustiest vampire in the whole world died in my library today. Also has to be the first vamp ever to leave its bones behind. Suspect Buffy did this on purpose to get back at me for saying she was a bad slayer. But really. One vampire in six months is not good batting average.


	6. Cordelia

**Disclaimer:** Joss Whedon is the creator and holder of all things Buffy. Characters are referenced here with respect and appreciation. That said…

**A/N:** Taking a long time between posts is a sign of a busy and active life. Or sheer laziness. One or the other.

**The Hidden Diary of Cordelia Chase**

**Day One**

Met a new girl in school. Cute little blonde thing with a stick. Bleaches hair. Like we wouldn't notice.

Later

Efforts to make Buffy popular thwarted by stick. A person can only handle so many jabs before stops being endearing. Also very big on biting, but even that gets old.

**Day Two**

Saw Buffy do "pom-pom trick". Suddenly miss stick. Girl does have talent though. And wow is she flexible.

**Day Three**

Praying mantis almost ate Xander because he's a virgin. Really, that's what happened.

**Day Four**

Buffy went on date with boy. It's like she doesn't even care that I'm snubbing her.

Later

Killed boy, framed Buffy for it. Let's see if she misses being popular _now._

**Day Five**

Maybe should have done more to frame Buffy besides start rumor about it. Also, underestimated her attitude about murder. At least Willow seemed upset, but then Xander distracted everyone by turning into hyena. Strange people.

**Day Six**

Tall dark handsome man turned out to be vampire-with-soul. Spent last 200 years in epic Anne Rice novel. Freak.

**Day Seven**

Willow's online boyfriend tried to possess all the computers in the world. Made it so screens would only show his face. Ugly narcissist. Got me out of English paper, tho.

**Day Eight**

Met a puppet so disturbing even Buffy wouldn't sleep with it. And don't think she wasn't tempted. The harlot.

**Day Nine **

Bad hair day. Really really bad hair day.

**Day Ten**

Ended up in three-way with Buffy and an invisible girl. One of those things that happens. Turns out stick not so bad. Also like flute.

**Day Eleven**

Buffy died, then came back and killed vampire. Like a movie, only without the good special effects. Also Giles kept muttering about how he'd be lucky to get a Miata now, whatever that means. I'm gonna go party.


	7. The Master

**Disclaimer: **Guess.

**A/N:** This is it for "The Hidden Diaries". Stay tuned for "The Hidden Diaries II: Angel Buys Leather Pants".

**The Hidden Diary of The Master**

**Day One**

Older than snot.

**Day 590**

Turned whore into vampire. Call it charity. Most prostitutes aren't going to turn into mass-murdering demons on their own. Though wouldn't it be interesting if they did?

**Day 650 **

Darla brought home pretty-boy vamp. Would have been okay except kept asking me to describe in detail how he looks and which shirt goes best with which tassel. Suspect is kinda gay.

Later

Tried telling Darla. She wailed, "You just don't want me to be haaaappy!" and locked self in room. Asked Angelus to talk to her, but he was too busy trying on outfits to notice.

**Day 651**

Angelus ponced off for major shopping spree. Darla followed, says they're running away together. I guess there's no reasoning with the heart of a soulless killer in love.

**Day 2,000**

Trapped in hole by earthquake. Kind of cozy.

**Day 2,002**

Have made over hole into state-of-the-art dungeon per Luke's suggestion I make most of title "Master".

**Day 2,003**

Made Luke my golden boy for great suggestion and ingenuity with chains.

**Day 8,000**

Slayer came to town just in time for my big coming out party. We both got a little crazy with the fruit punch, don't remember what happened but when woke up she was giving me facial and tips on how to manage wrinkles.

**Day 8,001**

Slayer seems to be using "stay close to enemy" tactics for slay-age. Don't mind. Is better than Luke with chains.

Later

Luke hooked up with band at nightclub. Left to make his fortune singing. Should have seen it coming. Was always hogging shower for practice.

**Day 8,007**

Angelus is here! Changed name to Angel and gels hair now. Also killed Darla. Glad to see he's not pretending anymore.

**Day 8,010 **

Buffy invented kinky game based on people's worst nightmares. She's kind of different from other slayers.

**Day 8,012 **

Found out Buffy has been seeing other vampires. Time to put an end to that and show her what a Master Vampire has got.

Later

Turns out, don't got much.


End file.
